Today at work was The Great RAM Swap of 2008. Most of our work machines were running 1GB of RAM. So, we bought two 2GB sticks and reorganized various RAM across all the machines to get everyone up to 2GB. It only took an hour and was infinitely more successful than the AMD SNAFU WTF above!
P.S. Daily LOL
FOLLOW UP: Turns out the problem was CPU-related after all. The processor they chose was not supported by the BIOS version of the motherboard. Flashing the BIOS to the latest version fixed the issue. That's a new lesson for me; just because the BIOS properly identifies the CPU doesn't mean it's supported!